A Wife’s Respect for her Husband

These are notes of a talk I gave at a conference in February 2022. The talk was filmed by Canon Press and when I find out where that can be viewed, I’ll put a link to it. Because these are notes, you should know that there is a lot of information, not here. If you have questions about what I’ve said, feel free to contact me.

Introduction

Generally speaking, we all know what submission looks like. It really doesn’t need any explanation. What we need to talk about is respect and what that looks like. When respect is present, submission is usually easily accomplished.

Having just said that, let me add something to the mix that often comes up in counseling with regard to submission.

Wives, let your husband lead, no matter what you think about how he is leading. If he doesn’t pay a bill, you sit in the dark. If he says you’re going out for dinner, no matter what you think about the family finances, you go out for dinner. If you see a void in your relationship, you may not fill it by doing something. Of course, if it is the dead of winter, it will get cold. So make arrangements to stay with someone until he remembers. If you take his role, he’ll never do it and you’ll never get rid of it.

While doing this, you must be joyful and chipper. George must not know you care about whatever is happening by your tone, gestures, head-bob, or anything you say verbally or physically.

If your husband says anything to you that is not building up or is demeaning or insulting, you must let it roll off your back like a duck with water. If it is habitual, that is, he does it all the time, learn to anticipate that it is coming and come up with ways to respond that are sweet, kind, disarming, and winsome. Remember, you don’t get to sin. As tempting as it is, you may not burn his toast, you may not share with your children or with your neighbors about the situation. Take it all to the Lord and lay it at his feet. You are required to respect your husband, and this means respecting him even if in your mind he is not being particularly respectable.

In all these things, you must submit yourself to him. If he says something you are working on is good enough, let it go. You reflect him. If he tells you to put out what you consider something mediocre, don’t argue with him, just say, “okay,” and stop. Let George protect you, let George take care of you, let George be your head. Trust him to make you beautiful. If he has no idea what any of that means, stay with me.

What Respect Looks Like

Some thoughts on what wives respecting their husbands will look like:

First, love Jesus with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Also, remember that in the Bible love is not primarily about emotions, it is about obedience:

“Jesus answered and said to him, “If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him” (Jn 14:23).

And,

“But whoever keeps His word, truly the love of God is perfected in him. By this we know that we are in Him” (1 Jn 2:5).

When we walk with God by obeying him, we are filled with joy, and even things that are normally difficult, if God commands us, we can do with that same joy.

Second, realize that God’s command to respect your husband is one of these commands.

“Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Eph 5:33).

And,

“Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror” (1 Pet 3:1–6).

Third, remember that while you are respecting your husband, you are really honoring and obeying the God who loves you and sent his Son to die for you. Therefore, you are not entrusting the outcome of your respect for your husband to what happens with your husband, you are entrusting yourself to the one who judges righteously.

“For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps: “Who committed no sin, Nor was deceit found in His mouth”; who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously…” (1 Pet 2:21–23).

Fourth, here are a few ideas for how a wife might respect her husband:

Become his cheerleader. Notice everything he does well and tell him about it. Tell others about it (the kids, friends, family, co-workers, everyone).

He goes to work; he washes the car; he put on clean clothes; he noticed that you did things for him; he came home sober (sometimes you might have to reach to find things). Everything he does that can be noticed and commented on in a positive way—do so.

Notice also, the things that don’t go well, but he’s trying hard. The trying is what you will praise (don’t mention the fail).

Suppose he’s playing softball and strikes out. Don’t mention the striking out but do mention how mighty his swings looked. Praise him for not stopping playing, that he continued on. If he cleans the kitchen for you, thank him and go on.

When he does anything (cleans the kitchen), be very careful not to notice and especially not to comment on anything that isn’t working the way you want it to work. If you go out to a meeting with the girls and find when you come home that he’s done the dishes and cleaned the house, don’t thank him and then immediately start fixing the things he didn’t put away exactly like you would have (unless that is, you never want him to try to help you again).

When he does something for you or someone else and you can see some things that you think would have been done better, instead of just telling him, ask. Ask if he wants your input. “Would you like to hear what I think about that?”

Then, if he says “yes,” don’t start with what he did wrong, start with how he might do it better next time. Suppose he struck out. You notice something about the way it all happened. First, keep in mind that he knows he struck out. You don’t need to tell him. He’s also embarrassed by striking out, so don’t even mention that part. But you noticed something. You have something to contribute. You might say something like, “I love to watch the way your muscles ripple when you swing around like that. I know you had some trouble there since showing off for me wasn’t your (main) goal. I was wondering if the next time you go up to bat, you might notice whether your bat is going under or over the ball?”

If he does or says something bad to you, instead of trying to “fix him” by telling him all the reasons that that was a bad idea, wait until things in your heart calm down (and you have confessed any sin brought on by whatever he did or said), quietly ask him if he will do it or say it “this” way next time. That is, instead of telling him what he did wrong and why his ancestors are…, or that he always does it this way, you should ignore what he did or said wrong and give him good things he can do or say next time.

Suppose you get dressed to go somewhere and he tells you that the dress you picked is too tight for a woman of your current shape. And he didn’t say it in a nice way. Instead of going after him for his rudeness, calmly thank him for his attention and go change the dress.

“who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously;” (1 Pet 2:23) 

Then, later, probably a day or two later, you can ask him if the next time you wear a dress that doesn’t flatter you (or him), he might say something like, “Um, sweetness? I was wondering if you might wear that blue dress I like you in so much?” Then, if you want to you can say, “too tight?” and he can say, “a little bit.” Then you can change and everything is good.

If you are genuinely walking with God in all this, you are consistently trying to be a great cheerleader, and your husband continues to treat you with contempt, you should probably crank up the rhetoric. But this means that you should bring God and his word into the picture, not insert yourself into the picture. Here are a few suggestions for how to go about this with all that I’ve said above in mind:

First, you should ask him (again, in a calm time) if there’s anything about the way you’ve been interacting with him that he would like you to change. Then think about his response and if you can make those changes without sinning, do.

Next, if that’s done or if he doesn’t have anything to say, ask him if he thinks the way he is acting toward you and talking to or about you pleases God.

“Therefore we make it our aim, whether present or absent, to be well pleasing to Him” (2 Cor 5:9).

Or you might ask (not in a snarky way), “Where is Jesus in the way you have been treating/talking to me?” If he asks what that means, you can point to these verses,

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (Eph 5:25).

“And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Mt 22:39).

“But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you” (Lk 6:27).

Depending on his answers here, you can either hug him and volunteer to work with him to make things better (assuming he repents here) or tell him that you’re going to talk to the elders of the church.

Depending on how this goes, you may need to have a bag packed and tell him you’re leaving (or ask him to leave). At this point, you both need to know that this is serious stuff. This is a shot across the bow, it will hopefully help him to wake up to the seriousness of the situation and it will let God get into the picture and change his heart.

If you do decide to leave, you should be thinking, “this is short-term.” You are trying to win your husband, not get rid of him. If the church excommunicates him and you are released by God, you might divorce him. But unless there is sexual immorality, neither of you is qualified to remarry.

“Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.” (1 Cor 7:10–11) 

Homework

Be careful to maintain a very close walk with God. This is true all the time, but particularly true when things with your husband get tough. He is the answer to your situation, and he can work through you when you are in fellowship with him, but things get very difficult when both of you are in sin.

Be careful to keep short accounts with your husband. You don’t get to sin. If you do, confess it and ask for his forgiveness.

Several days later, if he hasn’t asked you what he did that tempted you to sin against him, you should go to him and ask him to say, or do X in a particular way that does not tempt you to sin. Don’t mention what he said, how he said it, or his behavior in a way that even slightly hints that you are blaming him for your sin.

Read, For a Glory And A Covering and My Life For Yours, both by Douglas Wilson. Mark it all up and share what you found out about your own life with your husband in a way that is sharing, not preaching. Remember, you aren’t trying to “fix” him. You’re trying to respect and encourage him. If he doesn’t want to hear it, share it with God and pray that God will soften your husband’s heart.

Read Fruit of Her Hands, by Nancy Wilson. Highlight the good parts, then go back and read it again and highlight the good parts in another color.

Do all the things I’ve suggested here. Remember 1 Peter 3:1-6 and be sweet, gracious, kind, submissive, and winsome. All without a word of correction, or “helpfulness.”

Suggested Bibliography:

Reforming Marriage, Douglas Wilson

My Life for Yours, Douglas Wilson

Feelings and Faith: Cultivating Godly Emotions in the Christian Life, Brian Borgman

Disciplines of a Godly Woman, Barbara Hughes

Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother, Carolyn Mahaffy

Femina, http://www.feminagirls.com/, Blog by the Wilson women.