Looking Forward: Cancer Update

But Jesus said to him, “No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God” (Luke 9:62). 

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Phil 3:13-14). 

And the children of Israel said to them, “Oh, that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat and when we ate bread to the full! For you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger” (Ex 16:3). 

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isa 43:18-19 

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Rom 12:2 

The thing these passages have in common is that they include people being warned to not look back at what used to be. The list started with the first line from Keith Greens, ‘So You Want To Back to Egypt’ album. I included it here because these passages assume the same thing, we want to go back to Egypt because it was warm and secure. Or at least that’s what we tell ourselves. It wasn’t really. It’s just that our memories change history. We forget. We move on. Life happens.

God is always active in our lives. We talk about and pray for miracles, which are events that rarely happen, but we don’t realize that every moment of every day God is acting in our lives just like he would be doing if he were to “perform” a miracle. And because he is Good, our lives are good. It’s really hard to get our heads around that sometimes. I know it is for me…sometimes.

This past month was really crazy. I heard about friends having cancer, others having undiagnosed things that are threatening their lives, engagement announcements, marriages, Christmas. Emotions going up-down, up-down, up-down.

In my own life, the hormone treatments are not working as effectively as they were. The PSA numbers which were so faithfully dropping like a rock started going back up. 1.9 in September, 2.6 in October, 2.7 in November, and then after a medication change, 3.9 in December. It appears that things aren’t looking good.

It turns out that the new medication often causes PSA levels to spike upward at first and then to continue to fall afterward. So there is a chance that the PSA number will fall again over the next month. Life’s an adventure, I like to say.

In addition to the hormone treatment, I’m starting radiation treatment this afternoon. I go to Coeur d’Alene today and Thursday. Then, next week and for the following 5 ½ weeks I go up every weekday. I’ve found an air B&B in town and plan to live there for the course of treatment.

The plan with radiation is to kill my prostate, cancer and all. In the process, hopefully, they will get the cancer that is trying to invade my rectum. Near the end of the process, they will add zapping the cancer on one of my hips. The doctor said that it would be bad to just leave it there as it would make my hip weak and it could break and that would be bad. 

Since I’m not feeling very much pain from cancer (I still can’t tell if the slight pains I feel are related to being a fat old man, the hormone treatments, or cancer), it’s still difficult to believe I really have serious cancer and am dying from it. So, I take it by faith that the facts and test results are accurate and am trying to live accordingly.

The temptation for me is to want life to go back to the way it was when I was anytime younger than about 40. I don’t remember noticing anything in my life that slowed me down. I remember being in perfect health in pretty much every way. And so, before I get to a mirror, that’s the guy I think I am.

Then, when I do get to a mirror, I’m shocked to see what I’ve become, and my immediate temptation is to want to go back to Egypt, where it was warm and secure.

Well, now what do I do? After reminding us of a number of folks in history who lived out their lives of trust in our faithful God, in both good times and really hard times, the writer to the Hebrews said this,

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God (Heb 12:1–2).

Two responses spring to mind: first, doesn’t this text refer to folks not denying their faith? And second, what else can a guy do?

The answer to the first question is this: James ties all trials to denials of faith because all trials are tests that when overcome produce endurance and then perfect maturity in Christ. They come from the hand of God and are beacons pointing us to trust him, to rely on him, and to rest in him. Later in that first chapter, James used the same word (trial=temptation) to say that these same trials are temptations that when handled badly produce sin and death (cf. Jas 1:2-4 and 1:14-15).

So, yes, the saints in Hebrews 11 were all in situations where they were being challenged to trust God and they did, even when things were really bad. In many ways, their story was very similar to our story when things are hard in our lives. We are tempted to cut and run, to give in, to give up, to compromise in some way. I have cancer and right now my temptation is to want to pretend that I don’t really have it and to want to go back to when things were good. Or when I thought things were good. The Hebrew writer tells me to take my eyes off my situation, stop wanting to go back, and put my eyes on Christ. He says to get rid of any sin and anything else in my life that would keep me from running the race that God has set before me and then run my race like a crazy man.

The second question doesn’t really have an answer. There is nothing else to do. I suppose I could just stay in bed all day, which has been a temptation. But then, that’s just weird. I’m not dead yet. And I don’t really hurt. I’m just tired all the time, but not when I’m actually doing something. I can go, go, go, and then, when the going is over, I just want to sit down and just sit. But then something comes up to do and suddenly I’m not tired anymore. It’s the strangest thing.

I’m also taking my electronic do-dads with me and will try to continue to work from a distance. I was already doing a lot of counseling via zoom. Now, it will all be on zoom. I hear lots of other people are working from home these days. It doesn’t sound too difficult, just different.

Anyway, if you think of me and have the time, I know there’s a lot of other folks out there who need prayer too, please pray that I would keep my eyes on Jesus, the author, and perfector of my faith. Pray that I wouldn’t stop taking my meds and other vitamins and going through the procedures. Pray that I wouldn’t get tired and just sit down and not get up. Pray that I would read (I’m tempted to say, “what’s the use?” and then sit down and watch TV) and write (I’m pretty sure I have something good to say, somewhere down in there). Pray that I would continue to cling to the cross and remain joyful as things move from conjecture to reality in my body (this is the first medical procedure that there’s no going back from).

Thank you. You can join me in not looking back if you want. I’m pretty sure, even if you don’t have cancer, you probably have things in your life you need to leave in the past and turn your eyes toward Jesus and run the race he’s set before you.