Men: Pay Attention

“O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it” (Ps 139:1–6).

You really should go to the book and read the rest of this psalm. Pray the prayer at the end. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting (vss 23-24).

Then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, You-Are-the-God-Who-Sees; for she said, “Have I also here seen Him who sees me?” (Gen 16:13) 

“What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one which is lost until he finds it?” (Lk 15:4) 

“Or what woman, having ten silver coins, if she loses one coin, does not light a lamp, sweep the house, and search carefully until she finds it?” (Lk 15:8) 

“And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.” (Lk 15:20) 

Sometimes life can be really hard. Sometimes can seem like all the time, when life is hard. Life can be hard when your baby dies. Life can be hard when you are forced to leave your home because of unrepentant sin and hardness of heart. Life can be hard when sickness fills your house. Life can be hard when your job is on the line. Life can be hard when your husband’s job is on the line and all you can do is watch from the sidelines. Where is God in all this? What’s he doing? Is he not paying attention? Doesn’t he care? What’s the deal?

This morning, I came across an old blog post on Tim Challies’ blog. You can find it here. The reason I mention it is because most of the post is a poem written by a woman whose husband is (or hopefully was) enslaved by pornography. It was so bad that he brought it into their home and his small sons found it and were entertained by it. The reason Tim shared it was because he wanted men to read it and see what their actions are doing to their wives and families. I’m mentioning it here for the same reason. I don’t think men realize the things they do to their wives. They/we just think we’re independent people who happen to have wives and children at home or around us.

I’ve said this a million times and each time I think it is more true than the last time I said it and while it is true, it is sinful to the core. Men are like big dogs. We’re just happy to be here. Life happens all around us and if we chew up a slipper or two from time to time, that’s to be expected because that’s what big dumb dogs do. Our wives just scratch us from time to time and tell us when to take out the trash and we’re happy and think everything around us is happy too—or should be.

This afternoon, I came across a book called Held, by Abbey Wedgeworth and I recommend it to everyone to read, especially men. I is written as a devotional for women who have had miscarriages, so it doesn’t specifically fit the reason I was trying to use it. But it did express the emotion of a woman whose baby died—in her womb. The pain, sorrow, sadness, sense of loss, anger (at times), questions of and about God and everyone else around her are stunningly poignant and gut wrenching.

I think men should read it even if their wives haven’t had a miscarriage because it will be helpful to you to learn how women think and feel about things, especially hard things.

I was hardly three pages into it before I had to just put it down. There were two reasons for this, first, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, my cancer medication has made me much more emotional than I was before and everything about death makes me fall all apart. And second, my wife (we) had a miscarriage many years ago and I had no sense of loss or grief over it at all. To me, Eileen was pregnant, and then she wasn’t. To me it was like she was wearing a pair of old boots one day and the next she had changed into something else. I had no clue that she was suffering like the woman in the book.

Years later, the topic came up when someone else had a miscarriage, and Eileen mentioned that she had had a really hard time with losing our baby. I had no clue. And even after she told me, I didn’t react with kindness or grace. “The event had passed, it was a long time ago, so what’s the problem?” I wasn’t paying attention. I was a big dumb dog.

So, here’s the thing, men. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT’S GOING ON AROUND YOU. Being a big dumb dog might feel natural, but it is sin. It is sin to the bone. If your wife is suffering (for any reason), it is your job to love her and to care for her and lift her up to Jesus. This is especially true if you are the reason she is suffering. If you think helping means staying out of the way, in this context, you’re in sin. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT’S GOING ON AROUND YOU.

You may remember that I started this post with some scripture passages that talk about God knowing us. In all these passages I want you to notice that he notices us (or the characters in the text) because he is pursuing us. In the first one, Psalm 139, God searches us and knows us, he studies us, he protects us, he guides us, he is all about us. We can’t even get away from him, even if we wanted to. In the Genesis passage, Hagar has run away from Sarah and the Angel of the Lord comes to her and tells her that God has “seen” her and has pursued her and will bless her. In the passages in Luke, Jesus is telling parables about sheep and coins and lost sons, but he’s really talking about a God who chases after his people and who loves them to the point of sacrificing other things because he loves them and wants to have a party with us.

I’m putting all this here because you need to be more like God (Eph 5:1) and chase after those he’s put in your midst, especially your wife and children, to love them for their good, not your pleasure. You need to notice when they are tired, sad, filled with sorrow, or grief, or joy, or happy, or whatever. And this is especially true if they, or you, have recently gone through something hard. You need to know that if you’ve gone through it, so has she. Peter tells us to study our wives (1 Pet 3:7), and this is what that means.

Here’s another really important point. If you don’t have a clue how to go about doing this, find and then listen to older wiser men than you, and if they tell you something, believe them, even if you don’t understand.

Make your aim to please Him by loving your wife and your children.

Photo by Paola Chaaya on Unsplash