Hard Providence

Hi Pastor Smith,

I’m really sorry to hear this. its a really hard providence and situation.

Here’s what I think:

You can only do what you can do. In other words, you might want to help in ways that you just can’t. It might be time, or finances, or something else. You just need to know that God has given you certain resources and not others.

Along with this is the understanding that the whole church can jump in and exercise all the various gifts God has given, also, as they are able and no more. So, let everyone help as they are able and inclined.

In all of this, you need to not feel guilty for not being able to do what you can’t do.

You need to remember what you know to be true and cling to those things. And help your whole church including George and eventually Suzy to cling to those things as well. The problem is that this sounds like platitudes right now, but you still need to talk about them seriously and not “piously.”

Some of these topics will be, God’s sovereignty in all of this. He is in it from beginning to end and it is all his will. Everything in this is his, the trip itself, the driving down the freeway at 80 mph, the falling asleep at the wheel, the crash, the death, the next phase of life, the grief, guilt, emptiness, sadness. The whole thing is a gift from God. God is loving, kind, gracious, and good to those he has called. Somewhere in there, before time began, he chose to take Karen to be with him instead of with her family. And he’s good and it is all for his, and our, glory.

We know these things are true and we need to cling to them and teach them.

The same is true for the guilt of falling asleep at the wheel. Jesus died for that sin. As much as George wants to hate himself and/or beat himself up for it, Jesus already took that pain and the suffering George thinks is due him. I wouldn’t jump in his face when he expresses his grief in this way, but you might ask God for wisdom in how to share these things with George in a way that encourages him to draw near to God instead of, perhaps, climbing into a hole of despair.

I wouldn’t discourage whatever emotions George is feeling or expressing. I think those are all part of the pain of the loss. But he should take all of that to God. Yell, cry, whine, scream, sob, be afraid, etc. take it all to God and tell him about it. Tell George to go somewhere where he can “let it all out” at the top of his lungs if he wants and to do so for as long and as often as it takes. He should do this honestly so that in God’s presence he can believe that God has a plan and it is good. He needs to know and embrace the fact that God loves Karen more than George does and for whatever reason, God chose to take her from her husband and baby, and he did it for eternal glory and good.

For you guys, I suggest that you offer to go with him and just sit with him. Job’s friends did a great job until they started talking. Just sit there with him. Let him talk, when you talk, point him to Jesus in a kind way. Do things for him and his daughter; take them meals, help with the housework, give rides. Don’t offer, just do it. If you offer, he’ll always say, “no, thanks.” Just do it, just show up with food and mow his lawn. Even if you know he doesn’t need stuff (like diapers, for example), bring them anyway.

Things you might watch for in him: amazing loneliness, even when people are around. I don’t know if you can do anything about this, but your presence anyway, will help. Anger, guilt, fear (of anything and everything), incredible new emotions about everything. As things move forward, he might start thinking he needs to get married again. Encourage him to wait until he can think clearly and use as many others with wisdom to make big choices. He needs to be careful to pick a godly woman, not the first available one that comes along (which may be the temptation).

To summarize: point him to Jesus. this can be done by simply being there with him. And be there with him, surround him with folks who love him and his little girl. don’t worry if when you’re with him, he doesn’t talk. Don’t think you need to talk. Just be there quietly until it’s time to go. Or you could ask him questions, let him talk, ask him if he wants your opinion about things and then gently point him to Jesus and those things you know to be true about his situation.

Oh, one more thing, evenings will probably be the hardest for him. The baby will be asleep, and he will be alone. And that kind of alone can be mind-numbing and bone-chilling—to the bone. Empty doesn’t come close to describing the empty house. It’s almost like it is filled with something real. This kind of emptiness takes on a form, almost. He may feel like he can hear it, taste it, feel it. I don’t know how you can help him with this other than to ask about it and point him to Jesus. He needs to see all of this as temptations to sin by abandoning God and crawling into a hole. Instead, he needs to run to God and “climb up into his lap” and snuggle in (just like his daughter does with him).

I hope this helps. if anything else pops into my head, I’ll send another note. And if you have questions, feel free to pass them along.

Image by Manuel Alvarez from Pixabay