Respect: Part 2
Yesterday I posted a few Biblical principles regarding how a wife might respect and show honor to her husband. Here are a few practical ideas:
Remember that all of this comes in the context of walking with God. You should remember that what you’re trying to do with your husband is to make him the most wonderful Christian man on the planet. You do this by being his biggest fan, not by being the convicting Unholy Spirit. The saying, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” isn’t something you want to become famous in your family.
Along the lines of being his biggest fan, you should also become his cheerleader. Notice everything he does well and tell him about it. Tell others about it (the kids, friends, family, co-workers, everyone). He goes to work; he washes the car; he put on clean clothes; he noticed that you did things for him; he came home sober (sometimes you might have to reach to find things). Everything he does that can be noticed and commented on in a positive way—do so.
Notice also, the things that don’t go well, but he’s trying hard. The trying is what you will praise (don’t mention the fail).
Suppose he’s playing softball and strikes out. Don’t mention the striking out, instead do mention how mighty his swings looked. Praise him for not stopping playing, that he continued on. If he cleans the kitchen for you, thank him and go on.
When he does anything (cleans the kitchen), be very careful not to notice and especially not to comment on anything that isn’t working the way you want it to work. If you go out to a meeting with the girls and find when you come home that he’s done the dishes and cleaned the house, don’t thank him and then immediately start fixing the things he didn’t put away exactly like you would have (unless that is, you never want him to try to help you again).
When he does do something for you or someone else and you can see some things that you think would have been done better, instead of just telling him, ask. Ask if he wants your input. “Would you like to hear what I think about that?”
If he says “yes,” don’t start with what he did wrong, start with the good that was there and then how he might do it better next time. Suppose he struck out. You notice something about the way it all happened. First, keep in mind that he knows he struck out. You don’t need to tell him. He’s also embarrassed by striking out, so don’t even mention that part. But you noticed something. You have something to contribute. You might say something like, “I love to watch the way your muscles ripple when you swing around like that. I know you had some trouble there since showing off for me wasn’t your (main) goal. I was wondering if the next time you go up to bat, you might notice whether the ball is going under your bat or over it?”
If he does or says something bad to you, instead of trying to “fix him” by telling him all the reasons that that was a bad idea, wait until things in your heart calm down (and after you have confessed any sin brought on by whatever he did or said), and quietly ask him if he will do it or say it this way (and have a godly example of how you would like things to be) next time. That is, instead of telling him what he did wrong and why his ancestors are…you should ignore what he did or said wrong and give him good things he can do or say next time.
Suppose you get dressed to go somewhere and he tells you that the dress you picked is too tight for a woman of your current shape. And he didn’t say it in a nice way. Instead of going after him for his rudeness, calmly thank him for his attention and go change the dress.
“who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously;” (1 Pet 2:23)
Then, later, probably a day or two later, you can ask him if the next time you wear a dress that doesn’t flatter you (or him), he might say something like, “Um, sweetness? I was wondering if you might wear that blue dress I like you in so much?” Then, if you want to you can say, “Too tight?” and he can say, “a little bit.” Then you can change and everything is good.
If you are genuinely walking with God in all this and you are consistently trying to be a great cheerleader and your husband continues to treat you with contempt, you should probably crank up the rhetoric. But this means that you should bring God and his word into the picture, not insert yourself into the picture. Here are a few suggestions for how to go about this with all that I’ve said above in mind:
First, you should ask him (again, in a calm time) if there’s anything about the way you’ve been interacting with him that he would like you to change. Then think about his response and if you can make those changes without sinning, do.
Next, if that’s done or if he doesn’t have anything to say, ask him if he thinks the way he is acting toward you and talking to or about you pleases God.
“Therefore we make it our aim, whether present or absent, to be well pleasing to Him” (2 Cor 5:9).
Or you might ask, “Where is Jesus in the way you have been treating/talking to me?” If he asks what that means, you can point to these verses,
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (Eph 5:25).
“And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’” (Mt 22:39).
“But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you” (Lk 6:27).
Depending on his answers here, you can either hug him and volunteer to work with him to make things better (assuming he repents) or tell him that you’re going to talk to the elders of the church.
If nothing changes now or if things get worse, you may need to have a bag packed and tell him you’re leaving (or ask him to leave). At this point, you both need to know that this is serious stuff. This is a shot across the bow, it will hopefully help him to wake up to the seriousness of the situation and it will let God get into the picture and change his heart.
If you do decide to leave, you should be thinking, “this is short term.” You are trying to win your husband, not get rid of him. If the church excommunicates him and you are released by God, you might divorce him. But unless there is sexual immorality, neither of you are qualified to remarry.
“Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:10–11)
I hope this helps.