Having Discussions that are Difficult

Introduction

What I have in mind here that would qualify as a difficult discussion is one where you’d rather not have it, but you love God and the person too much to let things go any further. Your friend is hurting himself; either spiritually, reputationally, relationally, or something else. But you’ve been watching things for a long time and though you’ve been praying for him, it appears that you need to actually talk to him.

As you prepare to talk with your friend, here are a few passages to keep in mind:

“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”  (Mt 22:39)

As consider approaching your friend, you should think about how you would best receive what you want to say, if it were you who were being approached. You should think, “If I were doing what he is doing, what approach from my friends would have the best and most effective chance of succeeding?” This kind of thinking will help you to slow down, have a plan, work the plan, and be compassionate and kind.

And the second is like it: “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted” (Gal 6:1).

In addition to thinking about the best approach to show that your goal is loving your fiend, you need to ensure that you are walking with God. This means that you have confessed all the sin you can think of, you’re thriving on the word of God, that you are in good fellowship with God. You need to be spiritual before you can try to help someone else with their issues.

Then, you should consider what kinds of things could go badly in a conversation like this. Will he get upset? What will that look like? Will he lash out at you? Will he hate you for the rest of your life? These aren’t things that should tempt you not to go. If you are tempted that way, instead of not going, you need to pray that God would give you courage and go because you love the man more than you fear him. Also, because you love God and the ministry, he has given you more than you fear what might happen.

As part of this part of the preparation, you should have a plan for how you will react, in a godly way, to whatever his response is. You need to keep yourself from falling into sin in the whole process.

Prayer

As has already been mentioned, the whole process needs to be considered and carried out in an attitude of prayer and submission to God and a desire for his will to be made complete through what you are doing. You need to seek God’s face as you think about whether to go, as you prepare to go, as you contact your friend to make an appointment, as you actually go to the meeting, as you talk, as you finish, and when you’re finished. You need to be sitting in God’s lap throughout the whole shebang.

Scripture

Be very careful throughout that the reason, motive, attitude, approach, etc. are all done because of and according to Scripture.

The reason you are going needs to be because either he or you are actually sinning, and you know where in the Bible is says so. Your opinion is not strong enough to treat the conversation the way we are talking about. If it is his sin, you need to be gentle (Gal 6:1), but firm; controlled, but kind; clear, but grace filled. If it is your sin, you need to be humble, clear, complete, whole, and filled with the desire to repair the ruin you have created with your sin.

The motive needs to be because you want to help your brother walk more effectively with Christ than he is right now. It cannot be, and you need to check to ensure that it is not, because you want to be right, or in control, or to win, or anything else related to you and how you look. Your goal is to help your friend walk with God and God’s people in a more effective way for his good and God’s glory.

Your approach should reflect all this. What you’re trying to do is convince your friend that he has a speck of something in his eye and you are here to help him get it out. You can see it, others can see it, but for some reason he can’t. What you’re asking him to do is to let you touch his eyeball with your finger, and like it. And want you to do it again some time when you see the need. Read and re-read Matthew 7:1-5 and make sure you don’t have a plank in your own eye before you approach your friend.

Moving toward your friend

When you are convinced that you really do need to talk to your friend, ask him if he has some time to talk. Set up an appointment that allows you plenty of time to talk. Set up an appointment to meet in a place where what you want to talk about will be appropriate. Don’t meet him in a coffee shop if you think he, or you, might burst into tears, or fly off the handle in a rant. If the topic is very serious make sure you meet in a serious place and set aside an appropriate amount of time.

You should also let your friend know that what you want to talk about is serious and that you anticipate that it might be a difficult discussion. That way, he can prepare himself to receive whatever you have to say with grace and kindness, even if you are totally wrong.

The actual meeting

Begin the conversation with prayer. Ask God to help, to give wisdom, to keep fear out, to give kindness and grace, to give glory, to receive glory, and whatever else you think would fit the occasion. You might even have your prayer written out before the meeting. You don’t have to read it but knowing what you’re going to say ahead of time, because you’ve written it out, can be helpful.

Talk to your friend by telling him things you appreciate about him, what you think about him, how and why you think meeting with him now is important for him, etc.

As you talk, be kind, and truthful. Be careful to remember how you would want to hear things, and then express yourself with him and who he is in mind. Speak the truth. If you sugar coat it, the real meaning could be lost in the hearing. Be careful to ask whether you are making sense and to be sure, ask him to paraphrase what you just said.

Also, don’t assume anything. Ask a lot of questions. You don’t know what is going on inside his head or heart. He might not even know the answer to that question. He might be doing things without having a clue he is doing them. If this is the case, he probably doesn’t know what he is thinking. He’s just doing what he always does or has seen others do.

Tied closely to not reading attitudes is that you should be careful that you don’t pretend to be able to read his mind about his words, actions, or attitude. Tell him what you see without telling him what he thinks. You don’t really know. You might say something like, “If I were doing what you are doing, I would be thinking X.” But be careful if you do that to say it in a way that lets him know that you know that you could be wrong about how or what he is doing.

Throughout the discussion, the attitude you should express to him is that you are for him. You aren’t trying to crush him, but rather to lift him up to being who and what God wants him to be. Your speech should be salted with affirmation and edification, filled with offers of forgiveness (if that is part of the conversation) and grace.

Throughout the conversation, be careful to stay on topic. Don’t wander all over the landscape. Stay with one subject until something has been favorably resolved. Sometimes people distract by pointing at something else and if you’re not careful, you could be talking about something totally unrelated to the reason you’re meeting in the first place. And be careful that you don’t chase rabbits either. The discussion is difficult for you too and you will be tempted to go the easy route by wandering off topic.

In addition to staying on the subject, be careful not to let the past derail you. Sometimes people have been doing what they’re doing for a long time. Well, now is a good time to stop and do things God’s way. You might not be able to teach old dogs new tricks, but the Holy Spirit of God can transform even the oldest curmudgeon’s heart. And, he isn’t an old dog.

Remember, tie this around your neck or stick it on your forehead: The goal of this meeting is to reconcile your brother to Christ and to the saints he lives in community with. Because of this, you can’t afford to let up on naming sin, identifying sin, going to the heart of the sin, and condemning sin. That said, it is equally important to emphasize that God loves your friend more than he does. God wants to be in a sweet relationship with him. God sent Jesus to die for him so that they could fellowship together. The Gospel has got to stay in the center.

Finally, God has you right where he wants you. You belong where you are. You are representing Christ to your friend in helping him reconcile to God and man. Be Christ. Be a sweet-smelling aroma. Be joyful. Be kind. Be filled with love for your friend. And throughout lay down your life for your friend.

For more reading on this topic:

The Peacemaker, Ken Sande

Resolving Conflict, Lou Priolo

Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands, Paul Tripp

The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo

From Forgiven to Forgiving, Jay Adams

Unpacking Forgiveness, Chris Brauns