HELPING HIM SEE THE BACK OF HIS HEAD PART 2
Okay, let’s suppose that Suzy has been able to control her tongue, hasn’t burned any toast for many months (can’t remember the last time she did it), and has been the kind of joy that everyone around her is noticing it. On the other hand, Johnny is getting worse. He can’t get along with anyone at work, is in danger of losing his job, his kids all head for the hills when they hear is car pull up outside, and Suzy has to seriously get on her knees when she thinks about how the evening is likely to go. Johnny is, or has become a serious piece of work: anger, rage, cussing, throwing things, a dangerous man.
If you have been following along, having read here, here, and perhaps here, I’m about to give what I think a wife can/should do in this serious situation.
Before I do, let me say that if a woman finds herself in this situation in the first week of her marriage, and her first response is to fall on her face in repentance for not listening to all of her counselors (it is more than likely that many people told her Johnny was bad news, but she didn’t want to listen—he was so cute afterall ), has confessed her sins and gotten herself out of God’s way, then she can move on to continue to read. I don’t think a woman needs to wait 20 years to do these next things. She just needs to honestly face her life and her relationship with God and her husband (more on this honesty thing in the next post).
Second, because our lives are lived in the presence of God, and his first command after loving him is to love our neighbor, it would probably be good for Suzy to think of what I am about to say as ministry to Johnny rather than escape for her and the kids (though that is a huge part of it). In other words, if she leaves him, if she does it for his good, it will be a much better situation than if she feels like she has to leave. If she views it as ministry, it will be an aggressive action rather than a defensive action. I think this is an important and helpful distinction.
As soon as Johnny goes ballistic the first time, Suzy needs to talk with someone. This might be her pastor, a close friend, her father or brother (if they won’t come over and “handle” Johnny, at least not yet). She should tell them what is going on and they should help her with comfort where they can and sorting out whether she had anything do to with the whole thing (and how to fix those things). They should also work with her to prepare for a place to go, should he do it again.
When she goes home, she should go to Johnny when things are calm and confess any sin that she knows she committed, ask him to forgive her, then give him a big hug (assuming he says he does). Then the next day, she should go to him and ask if she can talk to him about how to keep from tempting him to anger. She might say, “If you were to walk all over my clean floor with your dirty boots again, how can I talk to you about it in a way that rather than tempting you to anger, it helps keep our floors clean?” Depending on how that goes, she can move forward. The next day, she should go to him and say something like, “I love you with all my heart. You are my favorite person in the world. I know that when I burnt your toast (on purpose, to “get to you”) it tempted you to sin. I’ve confessed that and we’ve talked about how I might move forward in not ‘causing’ you to sin in the future. What I would like to say now is something very serious. The Bible tells us that we don’t get to sin. Even though I tempted you, you sinned. Now, everyone sins, but everyone doesn’t sin in egregious ways. You need to know that your sin against me the other day was the kind of sin that may not happen again.” She can pause in several places during this discussion to talk about the last thing she said. But it is important that she get to the end. She can change the wording of this, but she must say something like, “What you did the other day may never happen again.”
Or let’s say that she didn’t do anything to tempt Johnny. Let’s say he came home grumpy from work and was still angry with his boss, who he can’t yell at, and instead takes his frustration out on Suzy and/or the kids. In that case, Suzy should talk with someone outside the home just like before, arrange a place to go, and then when things are calm at home go to Johnny and say, “I love you with all my heart. You are my favorite person in the world. You know that thing you did the other day when you were frustrated with your boss? God tells us that we don’t get to sin. That was sin. You may not ever do that again.”
Or further, let’s say that Johnny recognized it as sin and came to Suzy even before she realized her part in it. And let’s say he owned the whole thing without even mentioning her sin at all. She needs to confess her sin (if it was present), ask about how to talk with him in the future, forgive him for his sin, and hug. Then, the next day, when things are calm, she should go to him and in a kind and respectful way, she needs to say, “I love you with all my heart. You are my favorite person in the world. You know that thing you did the other day? I know you have confessed it and repented of it, and I haven’t seen a glimmer of it in you since, but you need to know that you may never talk to me (or the kids) or treat me (or the kids) that way again.”
So, now, suppose Johnny agrees that this was a horrible experience and it was really bad and he agrees that he’ll never do that again and he’ll talk to his favorite Biblical counselor about how to be a more godly man. And let’s suppose he does really well for a month and then one day, he just goes ballistic again for no apparent reason. Suzy has a choice to make. She should probably search out wise counsel. She should notice how Johnny handles things this time. Does he confess right away? Does he try to cover it up, blame her, run away, etc.? She has freedom here to forgive him and keep working with him. She can see changes. She knows that this was a slip back, but not a going back. In other words, he has really changed, and this was something she can let love cover. She’s free to not do what I’m telling her to do below. But she should explain it to him. The next day, after thinking and praying about it, she should go to him and say, “You sinned against me/us again, but I’ve noticed that this wasn’t like before. Last time, it was part of who you were. You are different now, I can see it. This time, I’m going to forgive you without any consequences from me, but you need to know that, and I think you do, you don’t get to sin like that.” Suzy can forgive him and continue on. God will probably be in Johnny’s life such that he will feel much worse about this time than he was the last time and this time will “fix” him.
Or was he trying really hard, but God wasn’t in it? Some folks confess sin, because “that’s what you do,” but they don’t really get it. They can live like they get it for a month or two but because God is not in it, they are simply trying to do the Law without the power of the Spirit. And usually, when you live with someone, you can tell the difference. If Johnny has been kind and loving in every other area of life, he is probably changing. If he has been surly and a bit rough all along, and everyone could feel the pressure building, then he was probably not really in the Spirit. If Johnny hasn’t really changed, and this is just another of the same kind of sin, Suzy should leave or ask him to leave (who leaves depends on kids and tone of the home). Here’s how it might go: the blow up happens, the home is in disarray, Johnny goes to sleep and then to work. Suzy should call her helpers, let them know what happened and then either pack up her stuff and leave, or she should pack up a bunch of Johnny’s stuff, put it on the front porch, and lock the doors. Then, she should be thinking about and preparing for the worst-case scenario. What would be best for him? How does she live, while God is working on his heart? She might be thinking about getting a job. She might be thinking about changing the locks on the house. She might be thinking about getting some kind of legal separation so that the money is frozen (or restraining order). She might even be thinking about filing for divorce. She should be thrilled if everything turns around really quickly, but she should be prepared for things to take some time.
At this point her goal should be reconciliation. Even if she gets a divorce, reconciliation is a hopeful possibility. What he would need to do in any case is to win her back by changing into a godly man and woo her in a godly, controlled, wise, and winsome way (in front of others who won’t be blinded by his glitz). If she is doing all this to escape and not to minster, the temptation will be to be rebellious against God in addition to rebelling against Johnny. But what’s happening when you rebel against Johnny and cling to your rights is that you end up throwing the baby out with the bathwater. If Suzy submits to God, draws near to him and leaves Johnny as an act of ministry to him and to the kids, then she will escape from Johnny and keep God in the process. If, when she leaves Johnny, Suzy also leaves God, she will be in a much worse spot than she was when the whole mess started. She will, in fact, be adding trouble to her trouble.
Suzy shouldn’t warn Johnny. She shouldn’t say, “You may not do that.” And then when he does it, she cries and pouts and “gets even” with him. And then says again, maybe over and over, “You may not do that.” If she says, “You may not do that” and he does it, she needs to have something ready, that she can put in place swiftly and definitively. No warnings. And she must not back down. If she does, he won’t take her seriously, and nothing will change.
Finally, Suzy shouldn’t tell Johnny what her plans are unless he asks, and then maybe not. If when she says it the first time, he says something like, “Oh, yeah? What’s going to happen if I do?” She might say, “I don’t know yet.” Or she might tell him the plan, “You’re going need to move out.”
Remember, even thought things are really hard, the goal is God’s glory, pleasing him, and loving your husband and children.
I hope this helps.