Released

Hi there. Thank you for reading the posts and asking when you think I’ve gone off the rails.

Before I get to the scripture, let me explain a bit more about what I mean by “God could release you….” I mentioned that in this post.

The simplest way I can say this is that when a woman has done everything she can think of to “fix” a nasty situation: she is not contributing to or causing it; she is diligently in the Word and praying for her husband; she has been in regular and joyful fellowship with the saints; she has sought godly and wise counsel; and maybe her husband has said “I don’t want to change,” I think God may “release” her from the situation. What I mean by that is that she will be convinced that it is okay for her to leave. As a result, she won’t feel guilty for leaving. She won’t feel shame about the situation. She won’t look back wondering if she did the right thing, or asking if she could have done more, or could have done it differently, etc. God will free her from the relationship, and she will be at peace with God and with her own spirit. It will all be good.

Throughout this post I use the phrase, “release you.” What I mean by this is that God will give you permission to divorce your husband. It might not actually go to divorce but in the moment that is your decision. The reasons it might not get there is because your actions might inspire your husband’s true repentance (I encourage you to be very careful about that word ‘true’) and he might turn to Jesus in a real way. And as a result, he might work diligently to win you back. If this happens, you should be open to letting him, but be very, very careful and go very, very slowly. Also, if this happens, you should get lots of godly and wise help. And much of the help should be from men who know men and who love and care for you.

There are three main passages I get what I wrote there.

Were you called while a slave? Do not be concerned about it; but if you can be made free, rather use it (1 Cor 7:21)

He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so (Mt 19:8)

Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.

But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Cor 7:10–16).

The first is not the kind of context where God says, X and so we do X. It more of a principle kind of thing. God, through the Apostle, says that a slave may gain his freedom if he has an opportunity. I assume that his freedom is given to him in some kind of lawful way. The slave is not rebelling, running away, or something else. The text says, if the opportunity to become free presents itself, you can take advantage of it and go free. An example of this might be if Philemon had, as a result of Paul’s pleading, set Onesimus free.

The principle I am pointing to is that sometimes God gives relief from very difficult situations and it isn’t sin to take advantage of them when they present themselves. The way it fits our situation is that many people believe that divorce is always sinful no matter what. And I think there are several passages that say the exact opposite of that and women who are in those situations need to know that sometimes God gives grace to women who are in very difficult spots. Incidentally, this all applies to men also. I’m just talking about women here because that’s the context of the original post.

Again, this text is not talking about divorce, but it is talking about God giving grace to someone who is in a very tough spot and releasing them from their bonds and commitments.

Next, in Mt. 19:8 Jesus said that Moses allowed divorce because of hardness of heart. In other words, the people were sinning and rather than force them to continue to live together in that horrible state, Moses allowed them to divorce. But who is doing the sinning? I don’t think it matters. The one doing the divorcing might be the one with the hard heart or the one being divorced might have the hard heart. Or both. In any case, hardness of heart was the precursor to divorce. So, a godly husband might be at the end of his rope with an ungodly wife and divorce her. Or a godly wife might be out of options and divorce her hard-hearted husband. Or two sinful people, in rebellion against God, might divorce.

And when a wife gets to the place where her counselors, friends, children, grandchildren are all telling her to divorce the bum, God might grant her release from her marital bounds and she may divorce him. Even though God hates divorce, the man’s heart is hard and God allowed divorce in that situation.

The second passage is 1 Cor 7:10-16.

In verse 10 Paul said not to leave. Then in verse 11 he gives direction for what to do if she does leave. I think she was reading the Matthew passage, things were really bad, everything lined up, so she left her husband. But now, Paul said, “you need to remain single so that you can maintain a relationship so that you can lead him to the Lord.”  And her husband can’t divorce her for leaving. The point here is that they need to reconcile if they can.

This means that all those “advocates” out there who are “helping” women who are being abused, who in the name of comfort are really destroying marriages, need to be avoided like the plague.

Further down, in verse 13, it says, “if the believing wife has an unbelieving husband who is willing to live with her, she shouldn’t leave him.” This is because her presence somehow sanctifies him and the children, and her presence might lead him to the Lord. But what if he is a vile, pagan man? Suppose, he brings people home with him and wants them to party every day and every night? He won’t get a job? Spends all her money on wine and song? What if he hits his Christian wife and cusses at her every day and night? What if he won’t feed her, or provide clothing, or does all sorts of mean things to her?

This is one of the reasons wives need to get hooked up with a good church that will exercise church discipline. This does not mean that they will automatically believe her, but they will check things out and they will do a really good job of it. But even more, when they find evidence of a man who is not treating his wife like Christ treats the church, they will exercise church discipline. And if he won’t repent and change his ways, they will strongly and forcefully boot his tush out of the church.

When that happens the believing wife will not be living with a believer, and she is living with an unbeliever who is not “willing to live with her.” Willing to live with her means that he is willing to be a nice guy. It doesn’t mean that he gets to do or be anything toward her as long as he pays the bills or comes home once in a while.

But what if there isn’t a church that will exercise church disciple? What if he is a Christian, or claims to be one? In my view, it doesn’t matter much what he calls himself. If he isn’t interested in acting like a Christian, he shouldn’t be treated like a Christian. Of course, a woman would need to keep in mind all the other things I’ve said about how she is to navigate through all this. But if at the end of the day, let’s say she lives in a podunk town in central Missouri where her husband took her to keep her away from a good church so he could be a horrible person, she should feel free to treat him like a non-Christian who isn’t pleased to live with her.

The overall point is that when things get to that point, I think God may release her from her covenant with her husband because he has already beat it all to smithereens. He has not broken it, unless he has, but God may still release her from her marriage.

In a perfect world, everyone involved might see what is happening. As a result her pastor (or godly father or even brother) may say something like, “Would you like me to tell you to leave your husband?” Or if things are really bad, the pastor might say, “You need to leave your husband.”  Or even, “Leave your husband.” When this happens, God is directing things through faithful church leaders and she can have peace that this is truly what she ought to do and not have any doubts or regrets. Or in the absence of someone in authority, it might just hit her that she is released from remaining in this mess any longer.

If she leaves too soon, she may feel guilty for not sticking it out. If she stays too long, she may be in danger. The main point is that she needs to be at peace with God with her decision.

I hope this helps.