Helping Him See the Back of His Head Part 1

In my last post (When Scripture Seems to Conflict) I said that God doesn’t give two opposite commands at the same time. He doesn’t tell wives to confront and challenge their husbands and at the same time to submit to and respect their husbands. I went on to explain how to put the two kinds of commands together. But I didn’t really. I didn’t tell you how a Suzy married to a Johnny might actually talk to him about his sinful life. That’s what I intend to do in this post and maybe a couple more.

Here’s how I described Johnny:

Johnny is a normal guy. A meathead. A fathead. A dunderhead. He thinks he can rule the world by becoming angry and blowing up. He thinks the world revolves around him and gets really upset when it doesn’t. 

Before I get too far into this post, let me tell you that if you are living with a guy like Johnny and you haven’t read the previous post and aren’t doing what I said there, this post isn’t going to help you much. So, pleeeaasse go back and read and apply that post first. Then come back and see what I have for you here.

Okay, good. So, you realize that your life is a life hidden in Christ, walking with Christ, for God’s glory and his pleasure. Good. Now we can talk about how you can approach Johnny about his part in the Kingdom of God.

And wording it this way is important. If you want to fix Johnny, you’ll fail. If you want to win the argument, you’ve lost already. If you want to be vindicated, or proven right, you’re headed for the pit. The goal must always be God’s glory and his pleasure. This is the only way you can serve God and Johnny in a way that will allow Johnny to want to be like you and want what you have. You have to start by having something he wants and at the same time letting him see what you have without whacking him in the head with it.

My plan here is to give a few examples of different kinds of Johnnys. Maybe different levels of allegiance to God would be better than saying “kinds.” The first example has Johnny being all those things I described above, but in a very nice way. He’s a Christian man (church, devotions, prayer, etc.), loves his wife and kids, his job is good, everyone is generally happy, but he’s still a guy. He forgets, or maybe doesn’t know, that he can’t talk to his wife like he talks to the boys at work. She’s not a boy at work. He’s rough with her, gets angry with her, isn’t patient with her. Not all the time, just when it seems everyone is a little bit tired and fragile. What this means is that most of the time, Johnny’s roughness is overlooked or taken in stride. “Its just Johnny’s way,” Suzy thinks. But when she’s tired and he’s mean, it really hurts her heart.

I said in my last post how Suzy should comport herself during times like this. She doesn’t get to sin. Yes, he’s tempting her to sin. And if she sins, she can say he caused her to sin. But if she sins, it is still her sin. And she doesn’t get to sin.

Here’s the question: Can she bring this whole thing up to Johnny and do it in a way that is submissive and respectful? I left the last post with the idea or sense that the answer was, No. Don’t confront or challenge your husband when he is in sin. And that’s still my answer. If you are in sin when you approach your husband who is also in sin, it will only make it worse. If you haven’t submitted yourself to God in all humility, then, No! you don’t get to talk to your Johnny. But if you are humble, care about God’s glory, want the best for Johnny because it’s the best for Johnny, then Yes! You should bring it up.

So back to Suzy and Johnny. Here’s how I suggest Suzy go about doing it. Notice that I said suggest. This means that this isn’t the only way to do it. The principle is the only way to do it, love, respect, submission, but the way that those things are applied in each situation will vary. If you follow my suggestion as a plan, then you can improvise more easily when you are actually talking to your Johnny.

Suppose the family gets home from a dinner party late Tuesday night and something comes up where Johnny snaps at Suzy and the kids and hurts their heart. She doesn’t sin, she covers his snap with kindness and submission, praising the Lord for having a husband who is generally a kind man, praying for patience and that she can be actively respectful of Johnny. In response, Suzy thanks Johnny for his helpful comment (without a hint of sarcasm) and goes on. Johnny, because that’s how he talks all the time, doesn’t even notice that Suzy has been hurt. They go to bed, pray, go to sleep.

The next day, after Johnny comes home from work and after dinner when things are calm, Suzy should go to Johnny and ask him if he has some time to talk about stuff. They can go for a walk to talk if he wants. He says, “Sure, let’s walk up to the top of the hill and look at the city while we talk. It will be great. We’ll order pizza from the top of the hill, have it delivered, and eat it when we get home.”

So, off they go.

Before we listen in on their conversation, it is worth pointing out that Suzy and Johnny’s relationship is such that Johnny’s reaction to her asking to have a chat was not defensiveness. This is because they love God and one another in a way that they trust one another to be for each other. Johnny trusts that when Suzy wants to have a talk it is not to attack him for “something else.” Because she walks with God, is humble, respectful, and submissive, he knows that her goal, with regard to him, is always to help him to be a greater man of God. He also knows he can’t see what he can’t see, and she often can. He appreciates it when she carefully points out things he needs to work on.

Suzy should start the conversation by telling him several things she appreciates about him. She isn’t buttering him up, this should be part of their normal conversation. It is one of the ways a wife should respect her husband.

Next, she has been studying him in different contexts of their life and she noticed that he talks to everyone the same way, so she begins the next section by asking if he’s noticed that she and the kids aren’t just another group of guys. Of course, he’ll have no clue what she’s talking about, so he’ll say something like, “Of course, you’re rounder and softer and the kids are smaller (with a grin on his face).” Then she’ll say something like, “I know that too, but did you know you talk to us like we are one of the guys? You talk to the guys like they are guys, like you, big strong, take it on the chin kinds of folks. But we’re, as you said, rounder and softer. We’re not only rounder and softer on the outside, but we’re that way on the inside too.”

“Hmmm,” he’ll say. He’s beginning to see that something important is being pointed out here. But he still might not get what Suzy is saying. So, he says, “I never thought about that. Can you give me an example or two of what that looks like?”

So, Suzy relates last night’s comments and any others she can remember. But the whole time she is doing it she is very conscious of not slamming Johnny and working hard to glorify God and to please him. She says something like, “Remember last night when we came home from the Jones’s and everyone was dragging around and you said, XXX to little Juanita? I noticed the look on her face and saw that she was a little bit hurt by the way you said what you said.” He says, “I remember the instance and noticed that look. How might I have said it differently? Was what I said okay? Or was the problem simply how I said it?”

“I think what you said was okay. In the instances I can recall, how you said it was the problem. You know how God remembers our frame (Ps 103:14)? How he deals with us based on both what he requires and wants and how he has made us?” “Yes.” “Well, I think it would be helpful if you studied each of us so that you can talk to us based on who we are rather than on information you want to impart.”

Okay, Johnny says, “Let me first start by telling you that I have sinned in not doing this previously. I’ve let you all down by treating you like I treat the men in my association (he really talks like this). In doing this I’ve hurt your hearts and offended God. I’ve offended God by not loving you guys, but I’ve also offended God by not imitating him to you and in front of you. Please forgive me.”

Suzy says, “Of course I forgive you.” They hug.

As they walk home, they talk some more about how Suzy can help Johnny learn to treat her like the woman she is (1 Pet 3:7) and how he can relate to each of the kids in ways that will help them become more like Christ. In the process, Suzy will learn a lot more about God and his glory, and a lot more about how Johnny thinks about her and the kids. Through it all she will gain a new appreciation for his role as a father and leader in their home. She learns this because the goal has never been to win or lead or take over. It has always been to glorify God by helping Johnny be more like Jesus so that he can lead the family into godliness.

When they get home, Johnny should take each of the kids aside as soon as he can and confess his sin to them, asking for their forgiveness as he does, and outlining how he intends to proceed from here. As he does, he will enlist their help and indulgence as they grow together into Christ’s likeness.

One last thing to point out, this whole process is about loving God and one another. It is about changing hearts, not changing behavior. It is about glory and honor and humility and joy. We want joy, real joy. It has nothing to do with working or not working. It has to do with knowing God and rejoicing in him.

One thing that crossed my mind as I was writing this was to suggest that if you find yourself being a lot like Suzy in a very similar situation, but you have never suggested going for a walk to talk about things, you might suggest that your Johnny read this post and see what he thinks about my advice to Suzy. Maybe that will help you broach the subject about his treatment of you and the kids.