When Scripture Seems To Conflict

What do we do when following one passage seems to contradict another passage of Scripture? For example, I’ve read several articles that tell wives of “abusive” husbands to confront them with their sin, and the verse used to justify this is Ephesians 5:11, “And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose (some translations say reprove) them.” But then, we read that wives are supposed to love their husbands (Tit 2;4), respect their husbands (Eph 5:33), and submit to their husbands (Eph 5:22), even if their husbands aren’t walking with God (1 Pet 3:1-6).

Here’s how I go at things like this. First, God is nothing if he is not consistent. In fact, he’s the author of consistency. I think this character trait is tied up in his being truth, love, holy, etc (Jn 3:33; 1 Jn 4:8; Is 6:3). What this means, among a million other things, is that God does not tell us to do one thing and another at the same time. It appears that way at times, for example, in Proverbs 26:4-5 he tells us to answer a fool according to his folly and to not answer a fool according to his folly for two different reasons. But we’ll see in a minute that this is our confusion.

Second, assuming that God doesn’t give two opposite commands for the same situation leads me to put on my thinking cap when confronted with something that looks contradictory—like Pro 26. My answer to that depends on the situation. Wisdom tells me that sometimes a fool will learn not to be a fool if I correct him. Wisdom also tells me that there will be times when answering him will lead me to become like him. So, in the moment, presented with a fool, I need to decide which kind of situation I’m in and act accordingly. It takes careful study and wisdom to make a godly and God informed decision.

Another principle I go by is that because God is holy, in general (more about this below), he will not give us a command that, when we obey it, causes us to disobey another command. If he tells wives to treat their husband with respect, he will not also tell wives to treat their husbands with disdain. God does not tell wives to confront their husbands in a disrespectful or non-submissive way.

Here’s how I think this works. Wives are to live with their husbands in an attitude of submission and subservience and humility and contriteness and lovingkindness toward God. They need to begin the discussion by denying themselves, taking up her cross, and following Jesus (Mt 16;24). Without this, everything else I say will make no sense and will be impossible to live out.

Next, life is hard. It just is. Added to this is the notion that we all think we’re the center of the universe. Its like we’re watching a movie, like Braveheart, where thousands of soldiers die in gruesome ways, right off the bat, at the beginning of the movie, and none of us think we were one of those guys. We all think we live. Well, you know what? We’re all privates in God’s army and the vast majority of us are going to die in the first scene when the enemy fires their first salvo of arrows. We only last a few seconds and then poof, we’re gone. God gets to be God, not us. He’s the hero, not us.

Okay, so you’re submitted to God and you wake up after six months of marriage and realize that Johnny is a normal guy. A meathead. A fathead. A dunderhead. He thinks he can rule the world by becoming angry and blowing up. He thinks the world revolves around him and gets really upset when it doesn’t. What do you do?

First, draw near to God. He cares for you and Johnny (1 Pet 5:8). Tell him your troubles (Ps 55:22). Really let it out. If you’re angry, let him have it (Psa 13:1-6; 35:17-18; 42;9-11). If you’re filled with sorrow, tell him (Psa 6; 40; 46; 54). If you wonder if he still cares, tell him (Ps 144:3ff). When you draw near to God, he draws near to you (Jas 4:8).

Second, don’t sin. You don’t get to sin. Sin is bad. It is the enemy.

Third, if you do sin, confess it to God and to Johnny (1 John 1:9; Jas 5:16). There is a doctrine roaring around on the internet that says you shouldn’t confess your sin to your abusive husband because he will switch it around on you and use it as a weapon against you in the future. Ignore this crazy talk! The Bible clearly tells us to confess our sins against one another (Mt 5:23-24). If your unrighteous, unholy, nasty husband uses your confession of sin against you, stop sinning against him.

Here’s the thing. Confession of sin is not about what you’ll get for doing it. It is about you obeying God, walking with God, being in fellowship with God. It has nothing to do with what the one you are confessing to does with your confession. He already knew you sinned against him. Telling him that you know too will not change that at all. And it doesn’t matter if it does. You need to confess your sins because God tells you to do it and until you do, you are out of fellowship with him. To not confess your sins to your husband is to remain in your sin. And that’s bad.

Here’s another thing. If you are sold out to Jesus, your main goal in life will be to please him (2 Cor 5:9). Confession of sin not only clears the air, but it paves the way for repentance and a changed life. We confess and we change. We admit our fault and we become more godly, more holy. We become who God meant for us to be. It isn’t about Johnny; what he might or might not do with our confession. It is about walking with God, pleasing him, giving him glory, letting him give you glory.

One last thing about confession is that it is humbling to confess. You need to go to the guy, who tempted you to sin in the first place and admit that he won. You have to empty yourself, admit that you didn’t do the right thing and offer your head to him to forgive you or not. This is the major reason we don’t want to do it. But we need to because the humbling helps us to stop needing to confess by overcoming the sin in our lives.

So, don’t sin, but if you do, confess it, and move on in a new and glorious way.

Four, you need to know that you are suffering. Even if, and I’m not assuming or saying you are, you are bringing Johnny’s rages on yourself by being disrespectful, naggy, toast burny, etc. you need to know that Johnny’s anger is not your fault. He is crushing you for a reason inside him. It isn’t about you. You might be what he points at, but he does what he does because he wants what he wants. But you can’t or shouldn’t blame yourself for his sin.

As part of this, you need to know that you can go to God as a sufferer. He is in it with you (Mt 11:28-30). He cares for you (1 Pet 5:7). He knows what you’re going through (Heb 2:18).

You should also think of this whole mess as spiritual persecution. Satan is after you and Johnny. He has his minions prowling around looking for someone to devour (1 Pet 5:8) and right now, you and Johnny are in his sites.

You also need to know that as long as Johnny is treating you this way, he is a kind of enemy to you and to God. And God takes is enemies very seriously. Moses says this, “Vengeance is Mine, and recompense; Their foot shall slip in due time; For the day of their calamity is at hand, And the things to come hasten upon them’ (Deut 32:35). God has not left you alone. He has not abandoned you. He has not forgotten. He will avenge his loved ones. He will do it.

Fifth, he might desire to use you in his judgement process. There is two parts to this: fixing what you’ve tried in the past and going on the offensive God’s way.

Part one: James teaches that sin comes after temptation. In other passages of Scripture, temptations and other things are said to cause sin (Luke 17:2; Mt 9:43; Pro 10:10; Jas 4:1; Heb 12:15). You should go back over those instances where Johnny blew up at you and carefully examine your own behavior and see if something you are doing or have done presented the temptation that Johnny used to blame his sin. Now, not everything that tempts someone to sin is sinful, but sometimes women have a way of expressing themselves that is deniable, but sinful just the same. It might be a look that you didn’t think he saw, but did. It might be a word spoken in a snarky way. Or a word spoken in response to something he said or did, or a whole series of these that were part of what we normally call a fight. It might be a tone, an expression, a lack of respect. And it might not be spoken or expressed, but somehow he felt it because in the moment, you meant it. Most of these things you will have already confessed, some you should go back and confess. Our main point here, now, is to figure out if there is anything that you are doing, thinking, feeling, expressing, or even wearing that he can legitimately blame his sin on. It didn’t work, it hasn’t been working, and now you have the opportunity to own it, forsake it, and leave it in the dust.

Second part, go on the offensive in God’s way. In Romans, when this last verse was quoted it, Paul had just told the Roman Christians that they should treat their enemies in a certain way. He said,

Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. Therefore “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Rom 12:17–21).

Jesus said, “But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you…” (Mat 5:44). This means that instead of being defeated by your situation and your circumstance, you need to go on the offensive. Go after Johnny according to the word of God and win him to Jesus. Pour the love on him. Respect him to the bone. Make his being mean and nasty to you so odious to him and meaningless/powerless to you that he stops in tears and repentance.

1 Peter 3:1-6 gives us some more insight in the Scriptures means of winning enemies, especially enemies in our homes,

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror (1 Pet 3:1–6).

Finally, in addition to drawing near to god and going on the offensive, you should attend a church where they preach the Gospel, will love your, and where they practice church discipline. When you get there, you should seek out a godly couple in the church who you can confide your situation to so that they can comfort, encourage, strengthen, and pray for you. They should also be a couple who can get to know Johnny so they can help him to grow up and to submit himself to Christ.

I believe also, that there might come a time when God could release you from your relationship with Johnny. But you can’t know what or when this is if you aren’t in close fellowship with God. But when you are walking with God, there may come a time when he releases you from your commitment to Johnny. It will be a sense of release, freedom, a kind of letting go. If you leave too soon, before the release, however, you will become bitter, guilty, filled with shame. If you wait on the Lord and he releases you, you can leave knowing that you did your best, God was in it, and God gave up on Johnny.

If the church you go to excommunicates Johnny for his behavior toward you, you are free to divorce him and to remarry.

In conclusion, you need to know that God is central to all of this. He wants you to thrive, grow, become like Christ and as I said in the beginning, life is hard. You should also know that I’ve counseled many women in your same situation who have won their husbands to Jesus without a word, just like the Scriptures say it will work. My own wife respected me into being a godlier man over and over again. I didn’t have a serious rage problem, but I am human, and I sin and am selfish—amazingly so.

“Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it” (1 Thess 5:23–24).

Oh, I almost forgot. Early on I said that God doesn’t generally give us a command that can be obeyed and another command disobeyed. That isn’t entirely true. It was allowable to circumcise a baby boy on the sabbath (Jn 7:23) and Jesus said it was okay to heal on the sabbath (Luke 13:10ff), and it was okay to pluck grain on the sabbath (Mt 12). I think the principle here is that there are times when someone or something greater than the Law is happening. Circumcision was given before the Law and thus was still something the Jews were called to do even on the Sabbath. And Jesus was greater than the Law, because it pointed to him and he fulfilled it.