Bringing Things Up #2
So, for the past several posts we’ve been setting the stage for how a wife should talk with her husband about things she thinks need work.
Okay, so here’s a scenario: After six months of marriage Tom (the husband) gets out of the shower and leaves his wet towel on the floor for the 175th time. Cindy (Tom’s new wife) has asked him many times, at least weekly, to please pick it up and hang it on the perfectly good towel rack. He has consistently not seen fit to hang his towel up for her.
At first, Cindy thought it was kind of cute that he would forget such a simple task. She even thought he was forgetting because every time she brought it up to him, that’s what he said. “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot.” Now, after six months (the honeymoon is over), she is beginning to wonder if he is “forgetting” on purpose.
Okay, here’s what I think. First, there is probably a lot more going on than just what I’ve created here, but for the sake of simplicity (I need simplicity), let’s keep it to this event.
She is sitting in my office, without Tom, telling me this story. As I listen, I keep in mind three things. First, I need to remember Proverbs 18:17, “The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbor comes and examines him.” This is her story, not his. I’m guessing, if he were sitting here, he would have a story too. But he’s not here. This leads to the second thing I keep in mind as I visit with her, even if her story is absolutely true in every detail, there’s nothing I can do with him if he isn’t in my office. And I can’t do anything with him through her. The hope I give her is that God tells us that he will work through her godly behavior to change her husband (1 Pet. 3:1-6). Third, given these first two things, and the fact that he isn’t here to “adjust” her story, I go with her story as I give her counsel. I believe her and go from there. With these three things in mind I proceed.
Second, a few questions:
I ask her how her own spiritual life is going. “How are you doing with the Lord through all this horrible stuff?” There is a sense in which having to hang up a guy’s towel is a simple and small thing, but the fact that she has come to me for help shows that it is really much larger than that.
I ask her is, “What are you doing with the Lord that illustrates how you are doing with him?” Many people will tell me they are doing well with God in response to the first question, but in response to the second, they don’t read their bibles, pray, don’t go to church, don’t spend time with other saints, etc. (or at least, doing these things is not a high priority in their life). If this is the case, Cindy and I might spend some time talking about getting into the word, praying, and fellowshipping with the saints.
Let’s suppose she has read all my previous posts and has a regular time in the Word, spends a lot of time praying, especially when she comes in and sees that towel in the floor, goes to church every week, and regularly hangs out with Christian friends. This is great! Now we can move to the next level.
I might ask, “Have you sinned against Tom in all of this and if so, how have you handled it?” If she has and she hasn’t handled it well, I would suggest that she watch my video, “How To Confess Your Sins” and then do what it tells her to do. Again, let’s assume that she has been doing this too. She has a close relationship with God, is confessing her sins to both God and Tom, and he still won’t hang up his towel.
My next question is: “What, in your opinion, is wrong with Tom not hanging up his towel?” Her response could be something like, “I’ve asked him to hang it up and he just won’t.” I will probe a bit to see if she is upset because he isn’t doing what she wants him to do (pride?). Her answer might be something like, “He said he would, but he doesn’t. I’m really hurt by his behavior.” This might be pride as well. We’ll talk. Let’s suppose her answer is something like, “On our honeymoon, he asked me what he could do to tell me he loves me without his actually saying it with his mouth. I said, if you pick up your towel after your shower, that will tell me that you love me. He said he would do that. And for the first week or so, he did. But he seems to have forgotten what hanging his towel up says to me. And more, what not hanging it up says to me. I’m concerned that he doesn’t love me and that he’s telling me that every time he doesn’t hang up his towel.” I probe a little more and find out that Cindy is genuinely concerned with Tom’s spiritual state.
Cindy is concerned for the speck in Tom’s eye and not with her own comfort and wellbeing (there is nothing wrong with comfort and wellbeing if it is a gift from God, but if it becomes the goal, we will soon be in a larger hole). She has approached this whole thing (visiting with me as one example) with the attitude that she wants to make sure there isn’t a log in her own eye before she tries to help take the speck out of Tom’s (See Matthew 7:1-5). So, she reads her Bible and sees three main passages that talk about how to approach someone who is sinning. First, 1 Peter 3:1-6. She is convinced that she has been doing this for quite a while and now God has given her the green light to go to the next level (the green light came through prayer for wisdom (Jas 1:2-5), the wisdom that comes through godly counselors (Pro. 11:14), and through careful Bible study (Ps. 119:105)). Second, Matthew 18:18, “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.” She wonders how to go to Tom in the light of what 1 Peter says about a quiet and respectful attitude and bearing. I suggest that Galatians 6:1 might be of some help. Galatians 6:1-2 says, “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
Cindy believes Tom is sinning against her and God and therefore she should go to him in private, gently, helping him to see that what he is doing, or not doing, is sinful against her and against God. According to the Galatians text, Cindy needs to approach Tom in a way that is gentle. She also remembers Ephesians 5 where it says to be respectful and honorable. She knows she is good at loving, but might not be so good at being respectful in a way that he understands she really does want to help—to be his helper in this situation. She needs to do a lot of praying before she goes. This is because the devil is prowling around looking to devour her and Tom (1 Pet. 5:8) and this is one of those times when things are prepped for munching. If Cindy doesn’t go with the right attitude, Tom could become defensive and lash out at her, making things much worse. Or, in his lashing out at her, she could respond in an equally sinful way and if that happens everything will have gone south.
There is a sense in which this event could be a personal preference, he won’t hang up his towel, but it is not really about towels, it is about loving his wife. And this distinction needs to be carefully made. Is Cindy upset with Tom because they agreed that he would hang up the towel and now he’s changed his mind? Or is his not hanging up his towel an issue of him not obeying God, by loving his wife in the way he said he would? At this point, we believe it is the latter.
So, Cindy would go to Tom and say something like this, “Honey, I was wondering if you could schedule a time in the next few days when we could talk about something that I need to talk about with you?” This gives him a chance to anticipate their talk, to think about what might be coming, and for Cindy and Tom to not be “in a state” when they do get together. The situation needs to be calm and objective, not emotion filled and accusatory. Jay Adams has an exercise he calls the “Family Conference Table” which outlines this kind of conversation very well. It has been very helpful in my counseling ministry.
Tom agrees, and they schedule to talk on Wednesday night right after the dinner is taken care of. When they sit down, Cindy takes Tom’s hand and tells him she really respects him and that it is difficult for her to bring this topic up. She goes on to ask him if there’s something she has done to make him change his mind about loving her. I’m guessing he will be confused about this and will wonder what she is talking about. She can then recount the story of them talking about his saying “I love you” by hanging up his towel. She should probably ask if he remembers the conversation. And that it seems to her that since she’s asked him about it several times and he still isn’t hanging it up, he must not love her. What has she done to make him not love her anymore?
If he doesn’t remember having the conversation, she shouldn’t argue with him, or get upset, she should simply ask if that wouldn’t be a great way for him to tell her he loves her. Start the whole conversation again.
If he does remember, and confesses the sin, she could ask him if there is a way she can help to not sin this way in the future. She should tell him that she loves it when he tells her he loves her. He is wonderful when he is telling her these kinds of things.
He might not see it as sin. He might think he simply forgets to hang up his towel. At this point, Cindy will be tempted to “tell” Tom what’s what. If he is feeling guilty, or off balance (which may be the same thing), she needs to be very careful not to come across as judgmental, haughty, or condescending. Instead, she needs to focus on being humble and helpful, with his spiritual state as her highest priority. Instead of preaching to him, she should probably present all of this in question form instead of indicative form.
She might ask, “I love you and I’m not telling you anything here. I just want to know how to help. In your opinion, what does God tell husbands to do toward their wives?” “What does God think of forgetting (Deut 8:11)?” “You did tell me that you would lay down your life and hang up your towel as one of the ways to tell me you love me. Right?” “I’m not telling you anything here, I’m simply asking, what do you want me to think when I come in after you’ve left for work and see your towel on the floor?” “Do you love me?” “Have I done something to change your mind?” “Is there something I can do to change it back?” “Please help me. I want to serve you.” Of course, these questions are meant to be part of a conversation, so they wouldn’t be asked without waiting for a response from Tom. They are simply talking points. Also, these questions could be asked in
a snarky tone. They might also be asked with a humble contrite tone. The latter is preferable. The former is likely to cause everything to blow up (not to mention that it reveals something about Cindy’s heart).
There are some who would see this behavior from a wife as incredibly condescending, even sinful. They would never do it in a million years. And I have to say that a wife who is not in the Word, may well react this way. However, I’m totally convinced that the vast majority of fights couples have is not over the towel, but over who gets to tell who to do what. And this disagreement is not really about towels, it is about love and service and humility and glory, and joy in Christ.
If you want joy in your life; Joy in your marriage; joy in all your relationship, you need to approach the other person as if they were God himself. When you can humble yourself in this way and approach your brother or sister as they are more important you than you, you may just please God (2 Cor. 5:9) and bring him glory with your life (Psa 22:23).
I hope this helps.
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