Victims Cannot Heal

I read this passage today and noticed that the king was talking with his young son and warning him against falling into grievous sin. He said,

My son, keep my words, And treasure my commands within you. Keep my commands and live, And my law as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers; Write them on the tablet of your heart. Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,” And call understanding your nearest kin, That they may keep you from the immoral woman, From the seductress who flatters with her words. (Proverbs 7:1–5)

In the following story (at the end of this post), the king watches a “simple” young man going to a place he shouldn’t have, being enticed by a woman he should have avoided and would have easily done so had he chosen to go down a different road. At the end of the day, the young man, fell to the whiles of the flirtatious woman. It was his fault. It was his responsibility. He was to blame for his sin. It’s all on him. That’s the main point of the story. The lad shouldn’t have gone there, done that. Now should he do? What can be done for him? He needs to confess his sin, and never go anywhere near that road again.

But I wonder what we would say, if five years later, the woman were to come for counsel. Would we say that the young man bears all the responsibility for the immorality? He perpetrated the sin. He went down that road. If he hadn’t gone there, done that, the fornication never would have happened. It was all his fault. He is totally to blame. Was she actually a victim?

I don’t know of any Biblical counselors who would take this tack with her. She sinned on her own. In the story, as written, she seduced the young man. She prepared for him. She saw from a great distance that he was a sap and an easy prey. This is an easy one. She lured him, she seduced him, she is an adulteress and needs to confess her sin and repent from it.

But wait, how can he be totally responsible for his sin and she be totally responsible for her sin? Because that’s how it works. If we were to tell either one of them that they were actually victims of sexual abuse, that one could never heal and would never get on with their life. Read in a particular way, the young man was nothing but a pawn in the hands of a conniving and evil woman. Read from another point of view, she was the victim. Her husband didn’t love her, he left her for many months at a time, and the young man caught her at a weak moment. She is the victim of his sexual advances.

The Bible doesn’t leave us wondering. The Bible tells us that we are responsible for what we think, do, and say. Yes, the older woman led him into a trap, but he went willingly and planned to go there. Yes, the young man found a woman who was vulnerable, but she was out on her stoop, dressed in a provocative way, and invited him to come in to her. He sinned and she sinned.

The Bible is also clear that until each confesses, that is, says the same thing about their actions that God says about them, they will continue to be out of fellowship with God and still in their sins. They both need to stop out victimizing one another and take responsibility for their own sin—without any mention of why they sinned in the first place. They don’t get to blame their sin on anyone else.

Who else might they blame? The obvious people are the counter parts to the actual sexual immorality. She blames him—he blames her. The next level of blame might be meted out to those who try to help by pointing out that they actually sinned in this whole event—they weren’t actually victims. The young man will turn his victim guns on anyone who mentions that he might have gone down a different road in the first place. He might have listened to his father’s sage advice and never even met the woman. She will level her guns on anyone who points out that she knew that when she got dressed that day, she intended to invite the lusty looks of any weak willed young fellow who happened down her street. In the same sense that they both are responsible for their own sin, they are also both responsible for leading the other astray. They both caused the other to sin. They are both responsible for their own sin. Blaming anyone who is trying to help only prolongs their agony and increases their guilt.

What should they do? They need to confess their own sin and let God deal with the other person.

Many people have trouble with this advice because they are pretty sure that if they “let it go” the other person will “get away with it?” No, God is in it. ‘“Justice is mine,” says the Lord, “I will repay”’ (Rom. 12:19). Sometimes he uses the justice system to punish evil doers. Sometimes he uses the church to discipline things like this. And sometimes, he deals with them in other creative ways. What if no one does anything and that woman, dressed like a harlot, is still at large and no one says anything to her? Give her to God. Pray for him to touch her, to work in her heart to bring her to himself. What if no one does anything to the young man? Again, give him to God. Pray for him to touch him, to work in his heart to bring him to Jesus. Maybe God will strike him/her down with the conviction of the Holy Spirit and he will draw him/her to himself in repentance and joy. Glory!

But healing will never come as long as they see themselves as victims.

For at the window of my house I looked through my lattice, And saw among the simple, I perceived among the youths, A young man devoid of understanding, Passing along the street near her corner; And he took the path to her house In the twilight, in the evening, In the black and dark night. And there a woman met him, With the attire of a harlot, and a crafty heart. She was loud and rebellious, Her feet would not stay at home. At times she was outside, at times in the open square, Lurking at every corner. So she caught him and kissed him; With an impudent face she said to him: “I have peace offerings with me; Today I have paid my vows. So I came out to meet you, Diligently to seek your face, And I have found you. I have spread my bed with tapestry, Colored coverings of Egyptian linen. I have perfumed my bed With myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us take our fill of love until morning; Let us delight ourselves with love. For my husband is not at home; He has gone on a long journey; He has taken a bag of money with him, And will come home on the appointed day.” With her enticing speech she caused him to yield, With her flattering lips she seduced him. Immediately he went after her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, Or as a fool to the correction of the stocks, Till an arrow struck his liver. As a bird hastens to the snare, He did not know it would cost his life. Now therefore, listen to me, my children; Pay attention to the words of my mouth: Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways, Do not stray into her paths; For she has cast down many wounded, And all who were slain by her were strong men. Her house is the way to hell, Descending to the chambers of death. (Proverbs 7:6–27)