The Victim
A recent event caused me to think about an area of the Christian life that I don’t hear much about: The need for the sinner to remember that he has harmed the victim of his sin. She has had her heart broken, her spirit crushed, her world rocked. When he confesses his sin to her he needs to remember that he is not going through the motions of confession to clear his conscience, he is repairing the pain and suffering he has inflicted on someone else.
I’m about to create a story here, so don’t get all excited about knowing who I’m talking about. Suppose a man has a best friend, named John (how’s that for generic?). John and the man, named Fred, do everything together. They hunt, gather firewood, golf, and live together. They went to school together. They even have jobs in the same office, though they do different things.
One day Fred meets Susie. She’s beautiful. She has long wavy hair, big brown eyes, and a big toothy smile. She’s very smart (they met at work when he was on a business trip). Susie and Fred believe the same things about God. They’re both from large families. They are both middle children, and they just click on every level. Fred and John talked a lot about Susie. They agree about how cool it would be for Fred to marry Susie. John is all for the match and wants to be the best man. So, Fred asks Susie to marry him. Six months later they wed (the approved length of time so that wedding plans can be made).
The wedding meant John needed to move out and find a new roomy. He’s twenty something and because up until now he and Fred had been hooked at the hip, finding roommates was a foreign concept for him, so he decided to stay alone for a time, and not to rush into anything. Fred and Susie moved along into wedded bliss.
Then, one day, one of the John and Fred’s mutual friends came to Fred and expressed his condolences for the terrible infestation Fred has contracted. “John told me how horrible it must be for you to have those little critters crawling around you. I would have thought you would have done something about that before you got married. I’m hoping and praying for you to get over it soon. It must be terrible for your marriage.”
“Wait, what are you talking about?” Fred asked. “Those lice you contracted on your last business trip.” The friend said. “John said, you’ve had a terrible time with them.” Hmm. “I think John got something wrong,” Fred said. “I’ve never had that problem. In fact, you can only get that kind of lice by having sex with someone who has them. I was a virgin when I got married.” “Oh,” said the friend, with a puzzled look and went on his way.
A few days later, another friend came up to Fred and said, “I’m really sorry to hear that the boss is looking for you. Such a simple mistake. Too bad it may ruin your career.” “What?” said, John. “Oh, John told me that the boss asked about some short falls and inaccuracies on your business statements. He told the truth and now he thinks you may be fired.” Fred, said, “I’d better fix this right away.”
Fred went to the boss and sure enough, he had been looking for Fred to get this reporting corrected, or under control. Because Fred had a good reputation with the boss, he believed Fred over John, but it left Fred with some serious questions about John. Remember, they were very close friends.
Fred decided to have John over for dinner the next weekend and asked John about what he had been hearing. John laughed and said that everyone had misunderstood and that while he had said those things, it was meant to be a practical joke and everyone had simply got it all wrong. Fred and Susie said they understood and asked John to be a little more careful in the future. John said he would.
Over the next several months, Fred and Susie kept hearing reports of John talking about Fred in disparaging ways. They noticed that a few of their friends were even avoiding them and when they asked about it, the story was that John had said somethings about Fred and Susie that just weren’t true.
Finally, one day Fred was invited to visit with the boss of his company where he was presented with a list of things that were making the company ask Fred to find another place to work. When pushed, the boss admitted that most, if not all of the evidence for Fred’s mismanagement was due to reports from John. They believed John over Fred because the accusations were numerous and very serious, and where there’s smoke there’s undoubtedly fire. Because there was some doubt, they were letting Fred resign rather than firing him. So, Fred cleaned out his desk and moved on.
At the same time, things at church got so bad that Fred and Susie eventually had to change churches as well. Their church didn’t have the kind of structure where they could go to the elders to check things out, and the pastor didn’t want to get involved and try to adjudicate between members, especially men who had been good friends. He simply suggested that Fred go to another church. So he and Susie did.
Throughout all this, Fred and Susie were reaching out to John, who got more and more belligerent and angry toward them. At first, he denied the lies and slanders, but then he simply said he hated Fred and Susie and for them to get out of his face and life. He stopped seeing them and wouldn’t even acknowledge their calls and texts. So, they stopped trying to contact him.
Fred and Susie were the kind of Christians that while it bothered them intensely that their friend had turned on them for no reason. They were also understandably upset that Fred had caused them to lose their job, their church, and most of their friends. The experience had simply caused them to draw nearer to God and to his people. They got involved in a good church, Fred found a new job, they had a couple of children who were great blessings to them, and God provided all new friends.
Several years later, Fred heard, through the grapevine, that John had come to Christ in another church. Fred wondered what that meant, since he and John had had great fellowship for years before his wedding to Susie. They were very excited for John and hoped that this would mean restored fellowship for them all.
A few months later, Fred received an email from John, saying,
Hi Fred,
You might have heard that I got saved a few months ago. I’m in a new church and meeting with the pastors there. They are doing a great job of helping me to get my feet back under me and to clean up the messes I’ve made all over town. I’m writing to you because as you know I did some mean things to you back then and I want to fix things with you. As I write, I want you to know that while it may appear that I’m trying to avoid being specific, I’m not, I was just having trouble with drugs back then and can’t remember all the things I did to you. I was hurt because you got married and that meant our friendship needed to change. I got angry, got into drugs, and slandered you to our friends and our bosses. I lied, was stoned, and would like for you to forgive me for those things and anything else I can’t remember. I would like to get on with my life and to be a part of the new group I’m with now.
John.
Fred’s first thought was, “Very cool. John has been touched by God in a new way. I’ll invite him over and he can tell me the story and we can have real fellowship for the first time in years.” So he wrote back, “Wow! That’s great news! I’m very excited for you. I would love to talk with you. Can we have lunch next Tuesday?”
John’ response to the invitation was a little bit strange, “I don’t know why you want to talk. What will we talk about? I just want to get on with my life and past the past. I don’t want to meet with you.”
Fred and Susie were very perplexed by this. “I thought John wanted to fix things between us,” Susie said. “That’s what he said in his first letter, wasn’t it?” Well it was. What Fred and Susie quickly realized was that John wasn’t actually trying to restore their relationship, he was ticking off boxes that someone told him he needed to do to get in good with them and their system. He was not acknowledging that he had sinned and destroyed people’s lives, he was going through the motions.
How should the motions have looked? Here are a few thoughts on the subject.
When we examine what happened between Fred and John we see that when Fred got married, John felt abandoned by Fred. John reacted to Fred’s marriage by withdrawing and becoming angry, and indulging in drugs. The anger turned to bitterness and John began sharing his bitterness with others by attacking Fred in subtle ways at first, but then in very overt and sharp ways. This continued until Fred was forced to changed churches and jobs.
Fred and Susie tried to figure things out with John and to come to some kind of resolution of their relationship, but John hardened his heart as time progressed. It appears that Fred and Susie were keeping short accounts with God and were staying in fellowship with God and with everyone other than John.
Then, several years later, John realized that he needed to at least give the appearance of godliness and so he went to another pastor and told him the story. The pastor told John that he needed to confess his sins as part of his coming to Christ, and restore his relationships with those he had hurt and move on with his life.
But, judging from the interchange between John and Fred, what John failed to understand was that confessing sin is not a cookie cutter kind of thing. You confess, God forgives, and all is well—blessings will automatically flow. Confessing sin and repenting from sin is part of a relationship restoration process and, if at all possible, should be done face to face. It is not about taking particular steps, checking boxes, or following rules. It is about repairing and restoring broken relationships.
What John didn’t understand is that restoration is not all about him, it is about them (Fred and John) and more, it is about the other guy (about Fred). John did something wrong to Fred. He slandered him, he lied about him, he kicked him in the teeth in the eyes of other people. John’s actions caused Fred to lose sleep, change jobs, lose his church and destroyed his relationship with untold numbers of friends, clients, and acquaintances. In addition, John’s actions probably also emboldened any enemies that Fred may have had. John hurt Fred in ways he has no understanding about. For him to say, “I just want to get on with my life,” shows that he doesn’t get it at all.
John also didn’t understand that justice demands far more from him. The sin against Fred was also sin against God. God’s second command is to love your neighbor as yourself” (Lev. 19:18; Mt. 19:19). And when someone treats his neighbor the way John treated Fred, he is guilty of sinning against God himself. This sin, because it is sin against God requires that he die.
Suppose the pastor had done a better job of explaining that John had hurt Fred and that that fixing things with Fred was his first priority. What should he have done? First, since the real sin is against God, he needs to read Psalm 51 and imitate David in throwing himself on God’s mercy. Then, because he has ruined another man’s life, he needs to do whatever he can to restore what he took away. This includes, going to everyone he talked to about Fred and clearing things up with them. It also means throwing himself on Fred’s mercy and begging him for forgiveness. He should go to Fred and confess his sin to Fred in specific detail. Fred should find some things out that he didn’t already know. John needs to realize and show Fred that he really understands what he’s done to Fred and that he feels horrible about what he’s done.
A cavalier note will not do it. The Greek word used in 1 John 1:9 means to “say the same thing.” This means to confess your sins, then, means to say about your thoughts, actions, and feelings what God thinks about your life. True confession needs to be in person. True confession needs to be specific. True confession needs to be heartfelt. True confession needs to include a plan to make restitution for the wrongs (Ex. 22:1–15; Lev. 5, 24; Num. 5). True confession needs to match the tone and depth of the pain and suffering. And true confession needs to make no excuses. John can’t accuse Fred of causing him to sin against him. John chose to do what he did and he is totally responsible for his actions. It is a very humbling event. But that is exactly what is needed to restore fellowship with someone you have sinned against.
What Fred did, showed that he doesn’t understand what was going on. It shows that he didn’t understand that this whole process can only be completed because Jesus died as punishment for Fred’s sin. Jesus’ death made restoration with God and with John possible. If Jesus hadn’t died, Fred would have had to die. He sinned against God when he sinned against John. Understanding Jesus’ death is central in receiving the Gospel and in being saved. This is what a person believes when they believe the Gospel—Jesus died for my sins and in doing so, restored my relationship with God. Now I go out and show my gratitude by making things right with those I’ve sinned against. I need to remember that I have actually hurt people and keep that in mind as I try to repair the ruins. For Fred, John is first.