When sin is the focus, the focus is sin

Hi George,

Pornography is one of the most pervasive sins in the church today. It is filled with shame, guilt, and hiding. I understand what you are going through, and you should know that it is a pretty common situation.

I’ve listed a few books that might help you think about the situation and give you some pointers to help you repent from the sin. The most important part of repenting is besides confessing the sin and turning away from it is to pick good things to turn toward. Given what you say, about your wife, you might consider turning toward loving your wife more and better. Spend the time you used to spend indulging in porn and thinking about things you shouldn’t thinking of ways to love your wife better.

Let the temptation to look at women, in every venue, be a reminder to focus on your wife and family. Ask God to remind you to do this. Then when you notice a pretty girl going by, remember that you love your wife and then love your wife.

I just stumbled on this web page. I looked through it and it gives some good advice. The part about getting involved in a good Gospel oriented group instead of an accountability group is particularly good. You need to focus on godly and good things, not the sin. When sin is the focus, the focus is sin. God and glorifying God needs to be the focus and this includes serving him, rejoicing in his forgiveness, and serving others.

The books, listed below, are good depending where you are in the release process. If you need to be further convinced that Pornography is sin, read these books. If you have acknowledged the sin and committed yourself to walking with God, I would suggest that you read something like Tozer’s The Pursuit of God, or Tada’s When God Weeps, or even something like Kelleman’s Soul Physicians. These are all great books and are focused on God and what he is doing in the world. Above all read your Bible. Read your Bible as an act of fellowshipping, worshipping, and listening to God.

You should remember Hebrews 10:15-18. God does not remember our sin, once it has been confessed. Forgiveness means not remembering. When God forgives us he doesn’t remember and neither should we. If you have confessed your sins, you have been made clean and holy (1 Jn. 1:9). Knowing this helps us get over the idea that we will always have this problem. God is working in us to make us more like Christ. If this were not so, we wouldn’t feel guilty for our sin.

I can’t emphasize enough that getting involved with a bunch of folks who are working on walking with God is very important. You don’t have to be a leader, you can sit in the back, but you need them and even though you are not involved in the way you will be or want to be, they need you. They need to pray for you and lift you up to God. They need to support your wife and family–even if they don’t know the struggles you all are facing. And you need to let them minister to you–even if they don’t know the struggles you all are facing.

As for how you minister to your wife through all this, you shouldn’t confess every sexual sin that pops into your head. But you should over-do pouring on the love to her. It sounds like she doesn’t trust you and is having trouble respecting you. That makes sense under the circumstances. The way you help her through this is to humbly acknowledge your sin, ask her to forgive you, commit yourself to stop the sin, and to love her. Then do what you did in the beginning to win her. Wine her, dine her, give her gifts, spend all your time thinking of her and serving her. Take her on dates, Over come her with God’s love by letting her see God working in you. Take your time. Don’t push. Let her see you change, don’t tell her about the changes. As she’ll let you, touch her, hug her, hold her hand. Make her the obvious center of your life after Jesus. Make Him the center of your life in every way.

1 Pet 3 tells wives to let the quiet and respectful behavior toward sinful husbands be the thing that turns the husband back to faith. It goes on to say “likewise” to the husbands. So, let your chaste, quiet, respectful and loving life be what convinces your wife that you are walking with God and are worthy of having her back. Let love change her heart. Pour it on, but don’t bully her or talk about it. Simply live it out in front of her.

Here are those books:

Fidelity, Douglas Wilson

Finally Free, Heath Lambert

Every Man’s Battle, Arterburn and Stoeker

Sexual Detox, Tim Challies

Here is a link to some articles on the subject.

I hope this helps.